I cannot remember the last time I even used this thing. But it was just THERE and staring at me and I thought HEY THERE, THAT STILL EXISTS.

So I decided to try and stay up to watch Leon on Colbert tonight (hopefully he is as pompous, silly, and intellectual as I recall)... and then I read a silly little facebook post from a Bard student I know ,that reminded me HEY REMEMBER WHEN YOU USED TO MAKE ART? And I started thinking .... yeah, that was really great. I really, really loved making films. But I really, really love doing environmental work, and making a visible difference, and being around science and people who care and who DO things on a daily basis... things that require me to get something other than an art degree. Conclusion: I have what seem to be generally irreconcilable interests (at least in light of my current financial situation and schooling options).

So, while I sit and wait for Leon, I will just quietly have an existential crisis about my "future" (in quotes for a reason) and think about the fact that my life is CRAZY. I live in a house with 13 people for the third year in a row, and am in charge of it and them. I regularly wander around in public in bright orange rain gear, sing songs about the water cycle, and/or cut down trees (or repair chainsaws so that others can do so). And today, I spent 8 HOURS performing and teaching a puppet show (I heard the same song about 40 times, and probably can never hear the words 'i love recycling' again). Sometimes I realize I speak an AmeriLanguage that most people wouldn't understand half of.

All of this is completely normal to me. How the hell did I end up here? I love it and I sort of want to stay forever, but I have to split eventually to preserve my sanity, and I'm pretty sure I will not really know how to handle myself in the real world after several years of this. Also, did I mention the irreconcilable interests?

Good night. I have to go clean my room.

FUN FACT #1: I am a terrible person, on occasion.

FUN FACT #2: It's always the service days I dread the most that end up being wonderful. I still just love working outside, even when it's cold and snowy and my left wader boot is full of water.

FUN FACT #3: I am going to see alice in Wonderland tomorrow, followed by a theme party in which the Alice costume I've had for 3 years will finally reach its full potential.

FUN FACT #4: I keep thinking lately that I really want to go to Africa. Maybe Kenya or Tanzania, and/or Egypt or Morocco... basically, everywhere. I need to make this happen in my life.

FUN FACT #5: I am totally beat from walking up and down rivers all day trying to make the world safe for herring, and even though I am enjoying this movie (the Constant Gardener), I have to go to bed.

end scene.

I am completely exhausted.

3 days of retreat, an afternoon/evening at the office, a presentation to the Board of Selectmen, a traumatizing trivia evening (we were robbed, for real), and after not being in my house since Tuesday morning, I have to unpack and repack before I go to sleep.

PLUS, I'm only repacking so that I can spend the weekend hanging out with someone that I love but that will inevitably stress me out to no end. We are stuck in the most bizarre, uncomfortable friendship I have ever had, and I've given up trying to solve the problem because no matter what we do, we end up in the same awkward/angsty/guilty/miserable place . Even though we also have more fun together than I do with pretty much anyone else, ever. So I guess we've both accepted it after months of attempts at different strategies, and I will just continue to be a part of an unhealthy, fucked up relationship that I can't seem to escape. I sound worse than a 13 year old girl sometimes. And I know I should just separate myself from all this, or grow up and get past it, but somehow... it just keeps coming back to mess with me. Part of me was secretly hoping I'd get offered some amazing job on the other end of the country, and just be able to run away from it, but alas (by which I mean I'm actually pretty happy with this)...

I've committed to another year here!

Yes, I will be the house supervisor for Year 12. It's incredibly strange to think about, and every once in awhile I just come back to the conclusion that I'm NUTS and don't know why I'm doing it. But in all honesty, I think it will be great. And I've got nothing else pressing to move on to, or really any other strong options, so it would probably be ridiculous to give up such a sweet situation. So, dear friends, until at least July of 2011 you have the opportunity to come visit me in the kickass place that is Cape Cod. Take advantage, please!!!!

What else is new? I spent a FABTASTIC weekend in new york last week. It was exactly what I needed at this point in the year, to see my college folk... I had really forgotten just how much I love some of them, and how I miss our friendship, and how comfortable I am around them, and how much I need art, and young fun people, and all the things that were what I liked about Bard. Some things about college I certainly don't miss, but these people aren't one of them!!! We also got the opportunity to go see my friend's short film play at MOMA, which was slightly depressing in that "I haven't done shit with film since graduation" way, but also great in that "at least someone else has" kind of way. And I was so proud! :) It may inspire me to shoot a bit this weekend..... we'll see.

Now, I will attempt to pack and sleep to the sweet sounds of one of my members vomiting in the upstairs toilet (hurray?) ... and at least be soothed by the fact that tomorrow I do not have to go to WETfest. No I do not! Sometimes being in charge has its perks.

My life is weird sometimes. Scratch that, most of the time.

The joys of the Bourne House, part 176....

Someone clogged the toilet (no one has fessed up, and I doubt they will, nor do I really want them to at this point).

Attempts to plunge failed, because I discovered tonight that somehow we have an assload of sink plungers, and no legit toilet plungers.

Toilet overflowed.

I walked into my room and heard a strange tinkling noise. Ignored it for a minute, and then realized.... FUCK. that noise was in fact the sound of water from the upstairs bathroom floor, dripping through an old patch in my ceiling, down my walls, and onto my dresser and some plastic bags of stuff sitting on my floor.

HOORAY! Sprinted upstairs to try and stop the leaking.....

My fabulous members went into emergency response mode... buckets, old towels, garbage bags.... After everything was relatively contained I went to the hardware store and secured a real plunger. Came back, spent an hour bailing enough shitwater out of the toilet so that I could plunge it, then plunged it, then cleaned and disinfected the entire bathroom and my walls and all my belongings. Now my room reeks of bleach (with just the tiniest hint of shit) so I've got fans going... and everything is thrown everywhere and a total disaster and I smell gross and I feel gross and I don't want to deal with it right now.

BUT by God I'm going to wash everything, get dressed, and go to the Haiti benefit concert at Woods Hole's finest (read: sketchiest) bar, and enjoy it. And hopefully not smell like crap (literally).

Happy Martin Luther King Day.

NOW GO SERVE AMERICA!!!!

I know I will be.... (I know, weird, right?)

Seriously though... good day to go get involved somewhere and volunteer. Do it! Do it!

Now, off to Hyannis to run food drives... yippee!

This weekend, I had the greatest conversation in the history of fabric stores. AS FOLLOWS.

THE SCENE: JoAnn Fabrics in Hyannis. In front of me at the fabric counter line are two men, both pretty large and burly, wearing workboots and flannel and manly clothes. The one with a large beard sees the pile of fabric bolts I'm holding and compliments me on my color choices. He then proceeds to ask if I'm "a good sewer" and sew much. I tell him,

A: "OK, I guess. Mostly simple things."
Bearded Man: "What are you making with those?"
A: "Just some simple clothes (aka adult onesies/rompers/jumpers/whatever you call them, which I didn't mention...) and curtains."
BM: "Nice. Maybe you can make me something!"
A: (laugh)
BM: "You know what I really want?"
A: "What?"
BM: "Like a, you know, a.... (gestures to arms)... with bell sleeves..."
A: (blank stare)
BM: "Like... a robe."
Bearded Man's Friend: "Like, a Renaissance robe?"
BM: "No, like... with bell sleeves... a..."
Friend: "Like a medieval thing?"
BM: "no... like.... a drag queen robe. Maybe out of something like this." (gestures to the roll of material they're purchasing, which happens to be RED GLITTERY PLASTIC/VINYL.)
A: (pause...) "Well, I don't think that would flow very well."

They were then distracted by the woman at the counter asking them how much they wanted of their material. He was trying to figure it out, and turns to his friend to ask if he thinks a third of a yard is enough.

BM: "I just need to make a couple of straps."

END SCENE. Basically, amazing. The kind of conversation I could understand in Provincetown, but would never expect on most of the rest of the Cape....They were actually super friendly and fun, and I wonder if I had stuck around long enough if I would have found myself a job. Fuck AmeriCorps, maybe I have a future making drag queen robes? and I am sooo damn curious about what those straps were for... I suppose I'll never know. (until next time I go to drag queen karaoke and the hostess looks awfully familiar?)

So I just spent the last hour putting together the electric chain sharpener we just got for the house. I managed to fumble through most of the assembly, regardless of the fact that the only instructions were a 4 inch square drawing with lots of incomprehensible dotted lines and unrecognizable parts...

BUT ANYWAY

After assembling, I realized that I actually have to install this thing on a workbench. Which we don't really have. But I thought I'd go ahead and read the sharpening instructions and see if I can figure it out. I was doing ok until I got to number 5... which was so full of pure poetry, that I had to share it. I have arranged the lines to enhance its poetic nature, but haven't changed a single word or any punctuation. (actually, there wasn't a single capital letter in the entire paragraph, and only one punctuation mark... a colon?) here we go...

Regular the handwheel
So that the body motor has a goal run corrected:
Under the body motor
Is present a goal run that beats
Against the handwheel
The run of the body motor
It has to be such that when the grindstone arrives
To sharpen the tooth
We are not us to stop the body motor
But the grapevine of the handweel
It has to beat against the goal run
Fig. 5.

After staring at this for a solid 20 minutes, I realized there was a supplementary English insert aimed at explaining the instructions to people who speak English, rather than gibberish translated from Italian. As for step 5, they informed me that this step in the instructions is "particularly opaque," and that they "advise not trying to comprehend it." Oh, good. At least I'm not the only one.... ?

So I'm off to submit my poem to the New Yorker... (it's not plagiarism if you recontextualize it, right?) Watch out, world.

I just got the word that my entire Corps is being deployed to open and run 4 Red Cross shelters for the snowstorm we're supposed to get tonight. Which means I will spend at least the next 24 hours being snowed in to an elementary school gym, setting up cots, serving food, and trying to keep my members happy/healthy/unstressed. Hopefully we don't go through all of this just to find out the storm isn't that bad or people don't really show at the shelters..... but this is why we're here, and it's definitely a not-that-many-times-in-a-lifetime experience, right?

Of course, all of this means that A) I won't be able to play in the community Christmas singalong tomorrow, and B) our Sunday night house Christmas party may be in jeopardy! We'll see how it goes....

happy last weekend before christmas, folks.

OK. It officially snowed in Georgetown before it did here. WHAT?! Don't get me wrong, I love being able to go to service without worrying about frostbite or hypothermia. But there is something off about being able to work outside in a tshirt in December. Am I right? I have decided to accept this apology from Mother Nature (for how she treated us in June with all that nasty rain)... but do hope that we get a nice pretty snow at some point.

I had all sorts of plans for this weekend, each of which fell through one after the other. Which left me at my favorite backup plan.... being a hermit. I went to bed at 6:30 yesterday. 6:30 PM. I don't even know if that's healthy. But I did it.... today is dedicated to cleaning, house and garden maintenance, and Christmas gifts. (ugh... christmas gifts! This is the time of the year I sometimes wish I wasn't vaguely Christian.)

I was saddened to learn of the changes in the Trail of Lights... I was told it has been majorly downsized this year (the first year in many I'll actually get to go!!! what's that shit about?) For the unaware, I am in Texas from December 23rd to the 28th. It will be brief, but I want to cram in lots of fun things!!! don't disappoint me!

I have decided that until the New Year, I am not doing any more crossword puzzles. this is partly because these days they just make me sad by reminding me of other things, and also because I do not have time to spend hours on end playing with them. Instead, I shall spend hours on end sewing and crafting presents, and messing with chainsaws, and trying to keep this house from devolving into a pigsty. We killed a chainsaw for good this week.... somehow it got bad/unmixed gas, and now it is broken beyond repair. It's name was Baby, so one of the members and I are going to take a picture of it and make a "Baby's Last christmas" ornament for the house tree.....

I have to do evaluations starting next week. As in, I evaluate each of my members in a one-on-one meeting. I'm not really NERVOUS, but not exactly looking forward to it either. Some people.... I just don't even know how to approach it. But I suppose I'll figure that out somehow. I also have trouble being harsh, even though I know some peope need it. Oh well.

Another first place win at trivia this week. We're gaining in the tournament. Though we really shouldn't have missed that one week... it's killing us. BUT I'm actually going to be running the show for the next two weeks (big moment!)... it's sad I can't play, but at the same time, it's $80 a night, which is a sadly significant amount of money to me these days.

Next order of business is going to have to be planning for New Year's. Some people here are having a party, but at least one person I don't want to see is going to be there... and not going to that will eliminate hanging out with all the friends I have on cape. Which leaves Boston, though I'm not sure if people I know there will be around... or maybe Providence? Somehow, I feel like I've gone from having this huge list of friends that I can barely make time for, to not really having anyone at all that I don't work with. (thus, the hermit weekend). I'm really not looking forward to spending most of a week alone in the house after Christmas... oi.

Did I mention one of the members got to walk a donkey at service yesterday? It didn't like him very much, so they didn't actually walk very far....

This weekend = cheesy local Nutcracker, farewells to leaving friends, and playing in a Christmas Singalong concert....

SO LAST NIGHT, four of us went to see Ben Bailey do standup in Boston! It was pretty glorious. Not only did he do an entire joke about killing ostriches with large stones (score!), but he also talked about lots of fun Cash Cab stories, including the origin of the red light challenge and his ridiculous cab driver characters. Basically, I discovered that Ben Bailey and I share the exact same sense of humor, and it was amazing.

Best part may have been the woman who left 15 minutes in because she brought her 14 year old daughter and she thought it was going to be a "family" show.... and who called Ben Bailey an asshole on the way out. Ha! Or the crazy lady, Kelly, who was sitting in front of us and kept shouting drunken random things and giving us high fives.

And all of this was preceded by a pilgrimage to Mike's Pastries for some overdosing on cannoli, of course. We came home pretty much right after the show since we had parked at the T and one of my friends had to leave at 5 am for work (ewwwww) but it was still nice to get off-Cape for a little bit.

Turkey Day dinner was great- a real friends-giving with about 15 current and past Amerifolks. We brought enough food for an army, and I ate enough that I felt like I might actually physically explode. The ideal Thanksgiving, right?

And I can't believe it's only SATURDAY!!! I have a day and a half left to be a total bum. Fantastic Mr. Fox, here we come!